the price of freedom, part 1 of 3...

so i realized that i haven't yet blogged about

a very important event in the strader family world:
(a hush falls over the crowd. drum roll please.....)

after almost 7 years together, we are a two car family!
(the crowd goes wild, starting the wave in the counter-clockwise direction)

well.

"technically" (i am using my air quotes here) we have had two cars before. 3 times in our marriage actually. but to say that we are finally a two car family and live up to the name would take a little story telling.

as i started writing this i realized that the story of the gremlin deserved a posting all its own.

so indulge me if you will.

second car, #1: (did that make sense? think it through. it will come.)

presenting...
the gremlin.
dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

ugh. just that picture gives me PTSD. and whole lot of it!

here is my lovely pile of metal, only think older, with more rust stains and an imaginary sign above it everywhere it goes that reads "THORN IN LYNSEY'S SIDE."

why? well, funny you asked........

back in the year 1999, pre-ben, pre-hatchback life i was enjoying this little lady:

except about 10 years older than this model, a black top and a little more orange-red than fire hydrant red. but still. sigh.

picture my hair blowing in the wind, blasting music as i breeze by you. the song of choice for this moment in the story will be air supply's "making love out of nothing at all" (outtanothingatalllll).

i drove my lovely cabriolet convertible in high school and while living for a summer in jackson hole. as that summer neared its end my dad took it for a weekend, admitting to me he was going to have to sell it and get more of a "snow-friendly car" to survive the frigid wyoming winters.

i watched with a tear in my eye (the left one, if you were wondering) as my little red, roofless wonder drove away. there was a small shred of hope that held a possibility of what might return in its place. i'm really not that car savvy or particular. i just wanted something that was reliable in the snow, ice, sleet, hail and moose poop. and kind of cute. was that asking too much?

i guess it was.

the "little hatchback that could" is what returned.

a slight gasp escaped my lips as my dad putted up through the parking lot driving the gremlin, but i set my shoulders square and decided to give it the ol' college try.

cut to, like 3 weeks later. for the first of 4 times, the gremlin broke down. and when i say "broke down," i'm not talking a lame refusing-to-start-on-a-bitterly-cold-day-i-have-to-call-a-friend-to-drive-me-to-work broke down.

i'm talking, i'm-in-the-middle-of-nowhereland-on-my-way-to-logan-from-jackson-driving-by-myself-up-a-canyon-on-a-hot-summer-day-with-no-A/C-when-the-gremlin-decided- to-growl-its-last-growl (or so i had hoped) broke down. with a trail of cars behind me, i crawled at a snail's pace with my white knuckles clutching the steering wheel. at the time i was heading uphill. the car repeatedly lurched, making some noises that i know the good people over at subaru did not build this car to make.

if you have known me long enough, you have heard my impression of this noise. though there were no witnesses besides myself, i can assure you that it is a dead on impression.

i did reach the top of the canyon's hill...i credit all of my prayers--said loudly to overshadow the crazy lurching noises--being answered to get to that spot. not only was i praying, but singing intermittently "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN," pulling my best mother abbess impersonation in hopes of sending the gremlin some positive energy.

did i mention that this was pre-everyone owns a cell phone years? no, that isn't the same year that grandma beula was crowned prom queen. it was just a mere decade ago, folks. unbelievable, but true.

my thinking was that once it was fixed, the gremlin and i could discuss where this relationship was taking us and whether or not we were compatible as vehicle cohabitants. you think i am joking? i have had to have many heart-to-hearts with my automobiles. some airing in my favor, most of them not. (like 70/40.)

unfortunately i never had the opportunity to have that conversation with the ol' gal. because after leaving the auto shop with a new and improved gremlin (after the mechanic said to me "wow, subarus never break down!" i wanted to punch him.) , i settled into a false sense of security. i thought i had all the time in the world for my mano-y-mano chat.

a couple of weeks later i was again driving solo on my way to a wedding in utah when the gremlin gave me some more trouble. this time there was smoke coming from the hood and it was overheating. luckily i was in the heart of idaho falls and close to a wendy's parking lot. so i turned off the nasty beast and sailed in neutral right into a space where i sat for a good 2 hours waiting for it to cool down.

luckily this time i had learned my lesson and had borrowed my dad's cell phone. it was one of the newer models and looked a little somethin' somethin' like this:



"DAD! THE LAME CAR BROKE DOWN ON ME AGAIN!" i sobbed into the boxy receiver as my dad picked up the call.

"what's wrong this time sweetie? subarus just don't break down, you know." i sensed the exasperation in his voice. like it was my fault or something! i explained the symptoms. then he uttered the question that i still harbor resentment in my heart for:

"are you sure you know how to drive a clutch?"

my reply came out fast and furious.

"DAD ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE A CLUTCH! I'VE BEEN DRIVING ONE SINCE I WAS 16. THIS IS A PIECE OF POOP CAR AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT SINCE YOU BOUGHT IT AND WERE TAKEN FOR A RIIIIIIDE IN THIS LEMON!"

silence on the other end. i contemplated whether or not i had gone too far. but as i felt my sweaty back from the hot summer air and looked at the steam rising from the hood to the clouds i did not regret my decision to take a stand. this. must. stop.

"well, sit there for a little longer and then give it another try." words of wisdom i tell you.

and so i did. like i said, after 2 hours, i started the gremlin up and made it to utah without a problem.

the third time it broke down is short and sweet. one winter morning in below zero temps, it just wouldn't start. got it fixed, endured another lecture of how subarus never break down. end of that one.

but the fourth time? a doozy.

i had moved back home from jackson and was living with my parents. driving into salt lake every day was always a gamble in the gremlin. it would shudder to life every morning until i gave it a pep talk to get a move on. that we could survive together one more day.

but one morning, there was a horrible snow storm. i had just entered the freeway, and was about 15 miles from my house when the car put-put-putted and du-du-died. no cell phone with me, and with some crazy traffic going on, i put on my coat and snuggled into my seat. flashes of my frozen, lifeless body came into my mind. this was the end of me.



yeah, that's a gross picture. sorry.

about 20 minutes later, a car pulled to the side. a sweet middle-aged couple had come to my rescue!

"did you run out of gas?" the husband asked me gently. i took his tone as him assuming that i was an idiot young girl. you know the kind, who think that the E on their gas gauge stands for Effort or are too flighty to notice the word "diesel" as they are absentmindedly putting gas in their car. of course popping gum as they pump. because we gals can't do two things at once, you know.

"no, it just died on me. and it's not the first time!" i replied, trying to mask the shrillness of my tone.

"oh i was just wondering because i was just telling my wife that subarus never break down," he said in a surprised yet cheery tone.

i inwardly rolled my eyes, muttered the gremlin's name in vain under my breath, and hopped into their warm car. they were so kind to drive me all the way down to my work in salt lake. and that wretched little car sat under 2 feet of snow.

that was IT for me. i refused to drive it anymore, and endured the other "gems" my dad found "fabulous deals" on from the side of the road. i didn't care, i had signed the papers and the gremlin and i were officially divorced.

so how does this apply?

well.

once i dusted off my feet on the mats of that coche, it was passed down to my more than willing little brother, tyler. he couldn't wait to get his hands on it.

however.

about a year into ben and i being married, tyler also wanted a divorce from the gremlin. and saw my husband as just the sucker to take the fall.

i clearly remember sitting in my parents' kitchen one weekend, while tyler pitched his sale to ben.

"i'll give it to you for five hundred bucks," tyler said.

"NONONONONO!" i protested. "that car will NOT come back to me! NO! i am putting my foot DOWN!" and probably stomped at that moment, to emphasize my passion on the subject.

10 minutes later, we were five hundred dollars poorer, and with continual promises from ben that i would never have to drive the gremlin, the title was passed over to us. truth? the thought to burn it crossed my mind.

he drove it back to rexburg and i followed behind him in our other car with a pit in my stomach.

but ben was in love. i don't know what it was about that dang car, but the fellas couldn't get enough of it. i actually had one friend tell me that if i ever wanted to sell it, to let him know. my response? "if it were my car, i would give you money to take if off my hands!"

anyway. ben happily drove it for, oh......

3 1/2 weeks? maybe 4? until it just stopped. would not go one. inch. further. so a good friend towed it to our driveway and there it sat for 2 months. until who decided to buy it off our hands????

my brother tyler.

for how much?

three hundred dollars.

i am not even kidding you. i really, really wish that i were.

he bought it back and sold it for parts. so within a month we not only lost $200, but ben pretty much lost his pride and core belief that he can make sound judgments when it comes to purchasing a car.

especially when there is a stomp from his wife involved.

however, i did my best not to gloat. i was just happy that the gremlin was now taken apart and shipped to new and separate homes and free from the bonds that had held me bound.

the gremlin. ugh. shiver.

coming up....

second car #2:

the night ben yelled at the top of his lungs,
"HOLY SHIZBALLS!"

don't worry, that story will be much shorter than this one.

she's a maniac.

well, i wrote about them... the baby thigh high, kneecap protectors.
now check them out in pictures.


i said, "give me your crusty old lady face!" and this is what happened. i blame myself.

now she's crawling up because she felt the magnetic pull of the flash.
blast you, anti-red eye.
and watch out, there's a close up of her infamous double chin.

don't get too close, the chin might attack you,
channeling jabba the hut a la "return of the jedi."
no one feels like wearing a gold bikini & being chained to that monstrosity do they?
didn't think so.

here i am trying to push her away from grabbing the camera. what a mean mom.
do you see the determined look on her face? well maybe you don't. but i do.

finally after another 5 minutes of this silent arguing,
she went back to minding her own business.

the end. literally.

bang bang, twinkle twinkle

well we pretty much wore ourselves out for the halloween weekend.

the cowboy:

all day made us refer to him as caleb cowboy strader.

was absolutely in love with his "shooter" also known as his gun.
though we were strict parents and wouldn't let him aim it at his sister's head...
even though nothing was coming out of it.
it's just the thought, you know?

went to the trunk or treat and saw his cute friend, lion eve.

then went trick or treating with lovely kali, and studly kai.
he was amazingly hyper for a kid that hadn't had one ounce of candy all day.
we actually gave him a sucker when he started to wind down so that the sugar could help him walk back to kali's house instead of having me carry him.

irony.

the fairy:

struggled to keep up the fast pace she normally has even while in a tutu,
so opted for the stink bug crawl, bum in the air.

was fascinated with her wand.

attempted many times to eat her tutu, and luckily failed at all attempts.
didn't care much for trick or treating, but instead rode in the stroller like a champ.

after she tried to steal the cowboy's hat.

and he tried to poke her nose.

she still had glitter in her hair for church the next day, even though i washed her head and face 3 times. people thought it was on purpose but i assure you, it was not.

we have a few more years before she becomes hannah montana'ed, don't we?

hope your day was as fun as ours was!

a cowboy and a fairy.

hope you all had a fun halloween! more pictures to come...

who needs ben & jerry's?

our own delicious chunky monkey.

(isn't that expression hilarious? she was blowing me a raspberry.)

this morning.

this morning i woke up to the smell of the lovely scent of "kitchen spice" wafting through the air. bath and body works knows how to do fall scents, don't they? have you tried "leaves?" yumalicious.

this morning i overheard caleb singing, "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it! woah a oh, oh a oh oh oh!" in his defense (and mine) this is a song i solely sing to leah when i'm feeding her peas and she's refusing to open her mouth. it makes her smile and plop! in go the peas.

this morning ben came in to the room with a confused look on his face. walking kind of funny. turns out he'd put on a pair of my jeans by mistake. i was grateful that not only were they my "too big" pair, but they were snug on him.

this morning i insulted ben by saying i was grateful they were snug on him, because we were "quite a few pounds different." (i know that saying isn't really worded correctly but you get the idea.) so then he thought i was calling him fat. which is not at all true, i was trying to not call myself fat. and defended my grammatically un-correct statement by reminding him that i am about a foot shorter than him, and therefore should weigh "quite a few pounds different" from him.

this morning i insulted ben again because i also informed him that those jeans of mine were petite in length and that they didn't necessarily look like capris on him. that the length was quite fitting.

this morning i attempted to make up for my slew of insults by letting him know that the gap lived up to their claim. that those jeans of mine did, in fact, make him look longer and leaner. "oh wow, thanks." was his sarcastic reply. hey, i tried didn't i?

this morning leah didn't yet fit into the pants i had bought for her, so instead she crawled around in her baby thigh-high leg warmers. there's something unsettling about the word thigh-highs when discussing my now 8 month old lassie, but she sure looks cute in them. they squeeze the chunk of her legs so that when when you get to her diaper there's about an inch of muffin top chub spilling out over the sides. plus we like to make her dance to "she's a maniac" when she wears them and put it on the video camera. so funny.

and as for me?

this morning i am enduring a hangover from fair food. to specify, that is food from the fair, which we went to yesterday. check out these fries! and it was my first real attempt at eating fried treats. i wasn't sure how the deep fried twinkies would be but to my amazement they were absolutely spectacular. but due to the calorie overload yesterday i will be re-thinking my malibu barbie halloween costume. i think i'll go as her frumpy mother instead.




this morning i am loving the fact that the high is only 70 degrees today and that we're busting out the long sleeved shirts and pants. blessed be cooler weather!

the halloween spirit

tonight we carved a pumpkin and took some pictures. some of them turned out kind of spooky.

introducing, billy bob the jack o lantern (named by his big brother caleb)...




caleb's head on fire (showing off his demonic side)...



and caleb the ghost (whoooooooo)...


hope this is getting you in the mood for a freaky week.

bath time.

to see a posting on one of leah's favorite things, click here.





need an invite? leave a comment.

wrap up on reality life

now that the show has wrapped up the final episode, i thought i'd share my thoughts on the past 8 months or so. in case you don't remember, this is how i looked when the show first started:



i remember sitting at the casting call, that my husband and sister had urged me to go to, feeling frumpy in my maternity sweater. it no doubt carried a stain on it, as did all of my maternity clothes by that time. i sat down next to a lovely lady wearing heels and gucci glasses carrying her portfolio (yes! i said portfolio!) with her. i felt

so. out. of. my. comfort zone.

as i drove home, i was proud of myself for giving it a go. this was not something i usually do, putting myself "out there" for pretty much anything. when i received an email to return for a 2nd interview, i was honestly shocked.

i sat around the table for the interview, surrounded by 8 beautiful and inspiring women. each had a story to tell. in the beginning they seemed so different from me, so hard to relate to. but as the hour went on we began to find common ground. not only that but i realized how much i genuinely liked each of them. i got so excited thinking about how much fun it was to meet them, and how it would be fun to watch any of them in the show.

i felt intimidated thinking about what in the world i could offer to them. the first 2 years of caleb's life were pretty much hell in motherhoodland. the seizures, the physical therapy, the specialists, the constant crying, the difficulty of it all. but since then i felt like we had worked ourselves into a pretty quiet routine. honestly? i felt like we were:

boring.

so when i received the phone call to participate in the show, i thought they had called the wrong pregnant girl. i felt nervous, intimidated, and completely insecure. but at the same time i felt extremely flattered and excited.

we started shooting about 5 weeks before i was due. i immediately felt comfortable with the group of people i met working on the show. they were so nice and patient with me. i have a tendency to ramble on when i'm nervous. and most of the time forgot the question i was asked. :)

5 days after the photo shoot for the show, this happened:



one of the 3 most important things in my life. leah was born, and my world was yet again changed. before the birth, i was extremely nervous to have anyone with cameras around me. but as i watched the birth episode i was so glad that i had agreed to it.

i also got the chance to vent about my colicky baby, hopefully helping other moms with hard newborns to not feel so alone. it was a difficult time, and again i was grateful to have been able to have the chance to be on the show to realize that i survived it.

now miss leah is 7 months old. not only is she crawling, but she is standing up and cruising along our furniture. it is such a complete opposite situation from caleb, who couldn't walk until the day after he turned 2. she is so happy and into everything!




ben is now in his second year of his doctoral program, working very hard and pulling out fantastic grades while keeping up a crazy schedule. i could not have done the show without his support and encouragement. caleb is a fun and healthy 4 year old who is a good big brother to leah and has an infectious love of life.



the Real Mom's Guide show has been such a fun experience and i have seen myself grow from it. i've learned to be less hard on myself, less critical of how i look, and more forgiving of my imperfections on the outside as well as on the inside.

i've loved getting to know dana, ida and vanessa. what amazing women they are! beautiful, fun, inspiring, funny, and REAL. it's been so much fun to get to know them and learn more about them. they have wonderful families and are amazing mothers.

a huge THANK YOU to Real Mom's Guide, to Mott's and to SheKnows! to all of the wonderful people i have been able to meet along the way (a special thanks to shay, i love ya!) it's been such a fantastic 8 months. and i can't wait to see season 2!

with love,
lynsey

proof that nearly bald babies can get bedhead too.

when she woke up with fluff everywhere i realized that i don't give her head enough credit.
i keep referring to her as bald and i guess she wanted to prove me wrong.





point taken!

RMG season finale episode!

hi there,

so the final episode of Real Mom's Guide was posted and it was fun to look back at the moments through the last 8 months. it's weird to forget that i was pregnant when this first started and leah is now 7 months old. so much has changed, and it's not just the hair. :)

i had a fabulous time, and loved getting to know ida, dana and vanessa. not to mention the great film and production crew. they were all so nice and patient and kind. (specifically kind when they didn't put my tears on the finale...much appreciated!)

so go on the website and watch the last episode. vote for your favorite moment on the show, and if you haven't become part of the Real Mom's Guide network yet, join up! they have fabulous articles, giveaways, and it's a wonderful network to make new friends and connect with women that are all dealing with the same issues that you are.

click here for the episode.

unintentional hiatus

hi there. remember me? the one who usually has too much to say?

i've been gone. if you haven't noticed. not intentionally....just....not much to say. i've been around, reading blogs, checking out what facebook friends have been up to, trying my darndest to figure out the twitter obsession (which i have yet to figure out). i've just been more quiet about it. aren't you grateful for a little break?

but i feel a post coming on. woo hoo!

and a post with pictures? double woo hoo!

the girl and her hat.

we are not amused!

well, apparently she was not. but we were.

half a year with leah layne

one week ago marked miss leah's 6 month birthday.

i'd like to say that the entire 6 months of her life she has been pure joy. but i try my best not to blie. (which is a word i just made up. blog + lie= blie.) i have loved every minute with her, even the difficult ones, and i do have to say that pretty much the last 3 months with her has been pure joy. the first 3 were kinda rough.

she is a happy, content, wild, curious, snuggly and independent little lady. you're wondering how i can combine content + wild and snuggly + independent? well obviously you haven't met her.

she loves to hang out on the floor with her toys and burst into spontaneous little songs. she likes to lick things. and i mean ALL things. the carpet, my nose, on sunday it was the metal legs on the chairs at church. and in case you missed my facebook status, has already shocked herself by licking our computer charger. oops.

she has an obsession with her toes. i think she is very proud of them. i don't blame her for this, and must say i feel the same way about my own toes. and hers as a matter of fact.

she is my yoga instructor. right now she is in downward facing dog position as i'm typing this, and every now and then pops her head up to smile at me. i'm amazed that at such a young age she has already found her inner chi.

she just officially started crawling yesterday, though she has been scooching around for over a month now. but i consider the real day yesterday, when she started coming a few feet toward me at a time.

several people have said to me, "ohhhhh, she's going to keep you on your toes. watch out, once she starts moving, she's going to be a handful!"

and they are right.

but some have said this in a negative way and i must kindly disagree. yes caleb was easier to maintain in one spot while he played with a circle of toys surrounding him, but i would have traded that in a second to have a baby who was mobile, who didn't have to have over a year of physical therapy and braces, who could walk before they were two.

in a second!

so i guess this is the trade off. i got what i asked for.

and am soooooo completely happy about it.

i'm looking forward to having to baby proof everything early, to having to save her life from the latest common household item that she has turned into a weapon, to kissing her bumps and bruises that occur from crashing through every room like a bull in a china shop.

maybe when she's two i might rethink this posting. but for now, ben and i just adore watching her mind work, her wanting to touch everything we touch and grab everything in sight.

though you might be tired of the endless picture of our little brown-eyed girl that is just too bad for you. since we are cheap and personally, i like candid shots a whole lot better than the professional ones (i can pick when they are in a good mood, fresh diaper, and in our own environment), i decided to catch the lady in action.

this is what she looks like 90% of the day...





5% of the day... (staring intently at something on the ground, or her toes)




and the last 5% of the day...





she was really good for me until she remembered that she now knows how to get from one place to the other and was more excited to achieve the goal of attacking the camera head on.



mission accomplished.

episode 23: the busiest part of the day

here's the latest real mom's guide episode about the busiest part of the day for us.

the next episode is the last one...and isn't supposed to air until october i think. (or so i was told) so i think they will probably show re-runs until then? not sure.

anyway, it has been fun experience and i have loved being a part of it.

watch the episode here.

capturing a moment

they talked like this for about 10 minutes.




and just like that, siblings were born.

making the most of the mUnDaNe

i have been a little down.

and realize that this will be my 3rd negative sounding post in a row, so i apologize in advance. you think that would stop me from writing it, but oohhhhh no.

i will forge ahead.

because writing is my therapist, the free one that doesn't make me lay down on a couch and discuss my childhood. the one that just sits and listens as i vent and whine and complain about how things aren't going the way i had hoped, but doesn't say the words,

"you are such a baby!"

but instead, says nothing, and lets me figure out for myself that i am in fact, a total baby.

so.

this last semester of ben's school has been hard. he has pushed himself to the limit i think, working very hard at school (pulling out awesome grades, btw) and then working thurs-sun nights working overnight graveyard shifts. thinking about the schedule he has been pulling, i'm not quite sure how he's alive right now.

i'm grateful for how hard he is working, for the sacrifice he makes and the length he will go to make sure we are taken care of. i thank God every day that i have a husband who will do whatever it takes for me and for our children.

the semester has been difficult for me too though. i know, i know. comparatively, to ben, i should just keep my whining mouth shut. but just because he's had it harder doesn't make things much easier on me, you know?

we only have one car. again, boo hoo. at least we have one car. i know, i get it. but with only one car and ben gone so much for the past 3 months, we have been cooped up with a capital C. it's too hot to go outside without your face melting off, and the pool has been out because leah has been too young to wear sunscreen.

i've pulled out as many tricks out of my hat that i can think of. bringing caleb's tent out, letting him put a slide in our front room, buying new games, puzzles, crafts, you name it. and luckily it's kept him mostly happy.

so why am i so down?

well i guess, because i'm not so easily entertained by markers and a coloring book. i got out my paints again and tried to let the creative juices flow, but instead just sat there blankly staring. i read a book, and tried to avoid the t.v. for my birthday ben bought a treadmill so that i would be able to get the exercise i've been craving that i can't get because of the blaring sun outside.

however, because of the lack of space in our apartment, the treadmill had to go in our bedroom. where the baby sleeps. so you see the problem with that scenario.

so for my birthday present...before i knew ben was getting a treadmill, i asked to go away for a weekend. to get to cooler weather, and just be....

me.

whoever that person is. i haven't seen her in a while.

you saw how well that weekend panned out. i had desperately needed a break from my life and instead had returned disappointed.

but i tried to buck up, knowing that just a few days away from what i have now titled "standby nightmare 2009," i would be able to head out to utah. where even though i'd be traveling alone with my kids, i would be welcomed by cooler weather with open arms. and would be able to go outside, visit family and friends, get some much needed fresh air, and relax.

two days before i left, i began feeling sick. an insanely painful headache and sore throat. i tried to get rest, but was on my own doing laundry, packing, cleaning, and all that goes with planning an almost 3 weeks away vacation, and flying alone with two kids.

luckily, we made it through. even though on the plane ride there i thought my nose would explode due to the combination of clogged sinuses and altitude.

as we arrived in utah i was still not feeling well, but pushed through it so that we could make the most of our time there and spend quality time with family and friends. i wasn't sleeping well at night because i couldn't breathe when i lay down, and was sharing a room with my two kids so i had to smother my face into a pillow each time i coughed up a lung so that i wouldn't wake them up.

whatever, i deal with it.

then leah starts acting a little weird. not eating, runny nose. you know. there's a family party up at ben's house with people in town that i haven't seen and won't see for a long time, so even though i absolutely despise being the family that shows up with sick kids...we still go. (although, i want you to know that i did call ahead of time to let them know and ask if they still wanted us to come because i was fully prepared to stay home.)

the next day, leah starts throwing up. after the 3rd time, she just stops eating.

that night at dinner, caleb throws up.

i just can't believe my good luck!

we spend the next 3 days inside. me doing laundry non-stop, running up and down stairs, trying to not focus on the fact that i am playing the role of single parent yet again...which is pretty much how i've felt for the past 6 months. (did i fail to mention that ben wasn't in town yet? this was his finals week so he was coming out a week after us...just after the kids get all better. nice.)

and this is when i have to admit--i got a little ticked off.

i mean, seriously! every time we come to utah we get some sort of violent illness. last time caleb was throwing up every 20 minutes for about 7 hours.

so i'm sitting downstairs after both kids are finally asleep, feeling sorry for myself and wondering when i can get my identity back. i mean, i love being a mom, but sometimes i feel like

is this all there is for me?

and then i had a thought. i was glad it came at this moment because it stopped me from crying big baby tears about how i've lost myself amid vomit clothes, only having one car, being stuck inside for pretty much the last 4 months, and now being sick on vacation.

and my thought was,

the smallest, most mundane things
will be the most important for them.

i think sometimes i get stuck on the fact that we don't get to do all of these fun, fancy vacations. that i haven't had the opportunity to put caleb in swim lessons, or tumbling class, or soccer, or t-ball, like other families due to ben's crazy schedule and (again) only having one car.

i know that time will come, and am anxiously awaiting it, but right now just isn't that time.

so what are my kids going to remember about these past few months?

that i have been there.

day in, day out. through nightmares, poopy diapers, throwing up, tantrums, colic, constipation. you name it, we've probably experienced it.

as hard as it's been on my psyche to be cooped up and feel like the walls of our apartment are closing in faster than caleb can say, "i think i'm going to frow up," i am building a foundation for my children. something tangible, that they can count on. yes it's difficult when i feel like this is all i have been consumed with, but i'm grateful that i had this thought to remind me of what i am doing it for.

because i feel like that is the true meaning of unconditional love. being there through it all even when it's gross and makes you gag, or want to scream back at your toddler when he's screaming at you (even though you don't), or cry with the newborn who can't stop crying.

"through small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

and the great thing that has been brought to pass these past 6 months?

my children. know. that i love them.

i think we can get caught up in all the things we aren't doing for them. or i guess i'll just speak for myself here. i think about that all of the time. how much easier it would be if we had money, or nice things, or more time, or live in a cooler climate, or had our own yard to play in.

but in the end, those things don't really matter most. sure, they can add to the experience. they can make things a little less stressful, or even just less boring.

i guess what i'm saying is that if all caleb remembers about being 4 years old is his love of macaroni and cheese or the tramillion stuffed animals he crammed in his tent every night to play "camp out," then i am satisfied. because i know that i have been with him through these things and have provided safety, stability and love.

so if you're at all like me and feel at times like you've been swallowed up in mommyville with not a lot of light for coming out anytime soon, try to remember that the most important thing you can do for your kids is just be there. and love them.

and that will make those mundane things have purpose and meaning. which makes it easier for me to get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

episode 22: mommy expectations

hi there,

new episode alert! the four of us talk about what surprised us about motherhood. whether it's losing your freedom, developing anxiety, lovely potty training and the curve balls that kids throw at us.


and as for us???

we have one more day left in utah. i'm so glad that we got through the utah virus with minimal damage, and have been able to actually enjoy ourselves for a bit.

i've taken a blogging hiatus and am wondering how i'll get back into the swing of things.

i guess we'll see, won't we?

not looking forward to leaving friends and family, or the lovely cool weather but have to say that i am looking forward to my own bed again. there's just something about 2 weeks living out of suitcases that does it to me...every time!

new episode: the things we do for love!

hi there,

i'm in utah, visiting family.  i've been sick.  and now that i'm feeling better, both of my kids are sick.  so in between runny noses, sneezing, coughing and the baby vomiting up mucus...

we are having a lovely time.

i'll expound on the highlights of the trip when i get a chance, and will leave the details of the chunky barf out of it.  you're welcome.

until then, 

there's a new real moms guide episode up, and it's about the things we do to show our family unconditional love.

i found it quite ironic that i watched it just minutes after being thrown up on, doing the load of throw-up laundry, giving the baby a bath and rocking her to sleep as i am still here in my pajamas and bedhead.  

ah, the things we do for love.

watch the episode here.